Dear Maurice Benard

Dear Maurice Benard,                                                                                         1-27-2016

I’ve written you many letters over the years. Some I sent, some I didn’t. You activism changed my life—saved it really where it came to getting me into treatment for my bipolar disorder. I knew, from the benefit yours and Paula’s story that if I quit taking the medicine my life would suffer and that for me to get better I needed to take my medication and to keep my therapy appointments. I was lost and full of despair at that time in my life. The only pleasure I got was watching General Hospital. Thinking to myself if he can get better so can I.

When I was finally able to write again it was absolute crap. But I was so relieved that I could still create it didn’t matter. So everyday I would get up and write. When I created the Letters to Daniel blog it was because it seemed Daniel’s work inspired in my fiction to create hero after hero. He seemed like the kind of guy who could keep a secret. I realized pretty quickly with that blog people were actually reading it and benefitting from it. Even though I knew damn well he wasn’t. And possibly never would. However eventually he read the book and was honored to be thought of in such a fashion and was extremely moved by my story. It’s truly what every girl who dreams of being a published author hopes for. Her hero to read her book and ‘get’ what she is trying to say.

So why you now, and not you then?

Because then I was well on my way to recovery. I shared my battles and my successes. And here I’ll do the same. Only now my physical health is in jeopardy. This is the first place where can say it. Up until people on FB and twitter have seen me losing weight and cheering me on. I’ve only alluded to in a very subtle way that I have a disease all too common in my family. Type 2 Diabetes.

You’re the first person I’m admitting this to and I haven’t even told some of my closer friends. There’s a stigma to being fat and diabetic. They assume you’ve brought this disease upon yourself. In a way I have. But help not judgment. And Diabetes is less stigmatizing than Bipolar Disorder. And because it’s so commonplace people just assume you take Metformin (which on twice a day) or are on insulin.

I have a routine now. I wake up. I take my blood sugar. Recorder the time I took it and write down what it was. I fix my breakfast of lower sugar oatmeal and a single piece of lightly buttered whole wheat toast. I then take my metformin with my bipolar meds (trileptal, geodon, and an anxiety medication, Ativan). I then walk 20 laps throughout the house.

My blood sugar two weeks ago started at 264. I took it this morning and it was 139. I have lost fourteen pounds. Down from 301lbs to 287lbs. My clothes are feeling looser. I know this is like recovery from any major chronic illness. The disease never goes away. It’s always lurking. Waiting for you to let your guard down.

I eat 5-6 times a day now.

I was eating 1-2 times and gorging when I did eat.

For me there were symptoms that perhaps are unpleasant to talk about so I’ll spare you the one that finally got me into a doctor’s office.

The motivator for me is I don’t want to lose my fingers, my toes, my arms, my legs. I don’t want to go on dialysis. I don’t want to have a heart attack. This disease scares the crap out of me.

My doctor wants me to get down to an A1C number below 7. I want it below a 6.

My Letters to Daniel book changed my life. Pushed me across the finish line of a bruising and brutal recovering process from bipolar disorder. I selfishly hope that by doing this I can help myself and I can maybe help others on the same path.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle