Dear Maurice

Dear Maurice,                                                                                              2-3-2016

Good news, frustrating news. My blood sugar floated up. I was at 152 this morning. Weighed myself tonight I weighed 277lbs. That’s twenty four pounds less of me than there was before. How elated does that make me? Crazy good. The metformin is helping counteract the bipolar meds I’m sure but I cut back caloric intake. Have loaded up on the veggies and careful about the fruit. I have apple slices with peanut butter. And a nightly snack plain greek yogurt with Splenda added. With my meds for my calories I am supposed to take I eat string cheese. I stay away pasta and white flour of any kind because it triggers high blood sugar. Which makes things pie and cookies and cakes hard to eat without seeing an instantaneous result that I don’t care for in the morning when I poke myself.

I wish I could say I’m always good. That I never cheat and to be honest I want to in good shape again. I’m going to New York for a book signing in Manhattan at Bluestocking Books, Café and Activist Center. There’s more to it than that but my lips are sealed until it’s time to announce all of that.

Since 2011 I have had 20 books published. Won several awards. Made 4 documentaries. Written countless screenplays and teleplays. Won awards for those too.

All the while battling bipolar disorder, gaining weight, struggling to lose it then only to gain it back again. For me it’s a combination of whole grains, complex carbs, protein and the occasional treat. All the while walking a little further than I did the day before. I’m up to thirty laps a day.

I realize it’s going to be a long way back. I didn’t get here overnight and I won’t get my health back lickety split.

But since I use food to self-soothe challenges lay ahead. The kind where I doubt myself and my choices. The kind where I question everything about my life. The kind I’m triggered into a depression and there’s little I can do but take my medicine and ride it out. Hypomania is more my speed, I’m able to focus and be creative. With the help of my medications I know the depression won’t last but it often causes my creative side to be stifled by well meaning people who don’t truly know what makes me tick.

Paranoia is a trap.

I know I will feel my emotions more intensely than I already do by taking away my food crutch.

For so long food was my best friend. Food never rejected me. Food was always there when my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Food was there to celebrate with me in my greatest triumphs and there to console me in my darkest hours.

My mood and my addiction to food are tangled up and entwined with one another. I learned early on to keep secrets when my biological father abused me. I was always afraid of him. In some ways I still am and always will be.

I struggle with speaking up to authority figures in my life. Especially the men. I tend to fear and mistrust them even when there’s real no foundation for it.

I do this blog not for the money it might make me in the future. If I did it would be impossible to do so. I share my journey so that others might know they are not alone in this fight!

Diabetes does not have to be long, slow and agonizing death from complications. You don’t have to lose your fingers and toes and limbs. You don’t have to go blind. You don’t have to let your disease get out of control. You don’t have to be isolated and alone in your fight to get better.

Everyone has their own way of crossing the finish line. I am in this fight to win it and I want to inspire as many people as I can along the way. I want people to find their truth. I want people to get honest with themselves and listen to their doctors and dieticians.

Maybe my brand of truth isn’t for everyone and that’s OKAY. Everyone is on their own path. Everyone often finds their own way. I just everyone to know they are not alone. And that as long as I come here this can be their soft place to fall as well.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle

Dear Maurice

Dear Maurice,                                                                                      February 2, 2016

Today was a good day.

My clothes are getting looser. In fact I put on my favorite blouse and it went on so easily I know if I keep at this I won’t be able to wear it for much longer.

My blood sugar was closer to normal than it has been this whole time. At least since my diagnosis. It was 128. Superb.

And I got some exciting news. I started working on a new documentary. Letters to Daniel: No More Stigma. I have my first interview with Summer Dickerson to talk to her about her battle with bipolar disorder and PTSD and how she copes with people’s reaction to her. I do that next Monday.

I am sitting on some really exciting news that I’m not at liberty to share just yet. But I can share this, my documentary #YesAllWomen got selected to screen at Imaginarium and the Fantasmagorical Film Festival in conjunction with Fandom Fest. My hope is to run, well, walk the 5k they’re doing the same week leading up to the convention.

I miss the road races. It’s the one place where sporting wise I really feel like I’m competing just with myself. Artistically when I write I don’t really do it for the money. Money is nice, don’t get me wrong. But if I did it for the money I’d be out of luck.

I’m about to start a new adventure in my career with a new team. Can’t say who or what exactly which makes me ready to burst at the seams. I am absolutely psyched for this. Sad at the choice I had to make. But I thought long and hard on this and came to the conclusion that business wise it was the best decision I could make. Personally I adored the other person. I still do as a matter of fact. That will probably never change.

But until the ink is dry on some papers I can’t announce anything yet. Which makes eating to it so hard. I could numb the anxiety that comes with the joy of anticipation. But I can’t. Just believe me when I tell you it’s very exciting and when it’s official you will be the first to know.

As far as exercise goes I managed my second day of 30 laps.  Which I’m completely psyched about.

I ate healthily today too. So I’m feeling good about that to.

My mood is somewhat more stable with these changes. I love the fact I’m back in therapy after a too long of a spell. Certainly glad to be doing what I’m doing. I’m writing my first action script called Crimson & Gold. It’s a feature that I hope to get in front of the right people. I know I have talent when it comes to writing. It’s my creative sweet spot.

I have a feeling doing this next adventure will pay for me to continue to do my true passion which is writing and the documentaries. Right now I’m not into the books but the screenplays and non-fiction and the One Woman Show I am writing.

Maurice, I know you’re not reading this and that perhaps weight and body image isn’t your cross to bear. But you have no idea how much your work and activism has inspired me in my own life. I think when I make the announcement I’m just dying to spill you’ll see just how much.

I have a strong support network. Friends and family who love me and know what I have to do to stay stable. Learning to write without snacking with chips and sugary sweets and regular soda is a lesson of balance. And staying balanced is the key. Choosing to be happy is key. But for us knowing where that line of happy is drawn between acceptable and off the chain mania can be hard to be seen sometimes. Eating right and exercising makes me happy in a way most people don’t understand. I get real pleasure when walking in Iroquois Park. A lot people hate the act of exercise and think accepting medical help for a chronic disease means you are weak willed and should never ask for help. To pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

But what happens when something in you prevents you from being able to do that? I’ve been diagnosed with two chronic diseases. One which, unchecked has the potential to be fatal. The other even with perfect behavior I will die from the complications it brings. I am not, nor have I been weak willed. But I did need help and until I faced the fact I did nothing was going to change. In my darkest hour, at my most bottomed out moment I reached out and asked for help and now I am ready to take off.

The world has truly become my oyster.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle