Dear Maurice

Dear Maurice,                                                                                              2-3-2016

Good news, frustrating news. My blood sugar floated up. I was at 152 this morning. Weighed myself tonight I weighed 277lbs. That’s twenty four pounds less of me than there was before. How elated does that make me? Crazy good. The metformin is helping counteract the bipolar meds I’m sure but I cut back caloric intake. Have loaded up on the veggies and careful about the fruit. I have apple slices with peanut butter. And a nightly snack plain greek yogurt with Splenda added. With my meds for my calories I am supposed to take I eat string cheese. I stay away pasta and white flour of any kind because it triggers high blood sugar. Which makes things pie and cookies and cakes hard to eat without seeing an instantaneous result that I don’t care for in the morning when I poke myself.

I wish I could say I’m always good. That I never cheat and to be honest I want to in good shape again. I’m going to New York for a book signing in Manhattan at Bluestocking Books, Café and Activist Center. There’s more to it than that but my lips are sealed until it’s time to announce all of that.

Since 2011 I have had 20 books published. Won several awards. Made 4 documentaries. Written countless screenplays and teleplays. Won awards for those too.

All the while battling bipolar disorder, gaining weight, struggling to lose it then only to gain it back again. For me it’s a combination of whole grains, complex carbs, protein and the occasional treat. All the while walking a little further than I did the day before. I’m up to thirty laps a day.

I realize it’s going to be a long way back. I didn’t get here overnight and I won’t get my health back lickety split.

But since I use food to self-soothe challenges lay ahead. The kind where I doubt myself and my choices. The kind where I question everything about my life. The kind I’m triggered into a depression and there’s little I can do but take my medicine and ride it out. Hypomania is more my speed, I’m able to focus and be creative. With the help of my medications I know the depression won’t last but it often causes my creative side to be stifled by well meaning people who don’t truly know what makes me tick.

Paranoia is a trap.

I know I will feel my emotions more intensely than I already do by taking away my food crutch.

For so long food was my best friend. Food never rejected me. Food was always there when my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Food was there to celebrate with me in my greatest triumphs and there to console me in my darkest hours.

My mood and my addiction to food are tangled up and entwined with one another. I learned early on to keep secrets when my biological father abused me. I was always afraid of him. In some ways I still am and always will be.

I struggle with speaking up to authority figures in my life. Especially the men. I tend to fear and mistrust them even when there’s real no foundation for it.

I do this blog not for the money it might make me in the future. If I did it would be impossible to do so. I share my journey so that others might know they are not alone in this fight!

Diabetes does not have to be long, slow and agonizing death from complications. You don’t have to lose your fingers and toes and limbs. You don’t have to go blind. You don’t have to let your disease get out of control. You don’t have to be isolated and alone in your fight to get better.

Everyone has their own way of crossing the finish line. I am in this fight to win it and I want to inspire as many people as I can along the way. I want people to find their truth. I want people to get honest with themselves and listen to their doctors and dieticians.

Maybe my brand of truth isn’t for everyone and that’s OKAY. Everyone is on their own path. Everyone often finds their own way. I just everyone to know they are not alone. And that as long as I come here this can be their soft place to fall as well.

Sincerely,

Amy McCorkle